Look up
Life can be slightly complicated especially when you find yourself stuck. You despair and you don’t know what to do. You find yourself in this maze running and running without a way out, and then after some time you become tired. You fall deeper and deeper into this abyss. Lower and lower. You see nothing, no way out.
Ever been to your lowest and thought that you just can’t go on anymore? Like, everything feels wrong. I had that moment a few days ago. I was stuck. I was tired. Really tired. With finals coming up and suddenly all the failures from before haunted me again. Expectations, disappointments, desires, wants and dreams.
I looked out of the window and it was raining heavily. A sudden feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. Things didn’t look so hopeful at that moment. I was afraid. I stared at the rain for a moment and back at my Brain and Behaviour notes. My roommate wasn’t around so my Windows Media Player was blasting God is able, by Hillsong.
As the melody played, I began to sing along. I sang…
*God is able
He is on my side
He will make a way.*
I love the bridge
*God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us*
As I continued singing, God reminded me again to look up. He is always there. Why should I fear? I’m fighting a winning battle. His mercy remains. Should I stumble and fall, I’ll be caught by His grace.. My God is able..
When I looked up again, the rain has stopped, I smiled when I saw a rainbow, God you are always faithful. You will never fail me. It was as if God saying, when in despair, look up. I am always there.
Are you stuck today? Tired? Look up! 
To finish strong
11 years today.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude and praise as I reflected and look upon the past.
They always say not to think of the past, but to focus on the present moment. I think I’ll have to disagree. All of us today are products of our past. We should reflect on the past to help us make better decisions and choices for the present.
For the past year, it was a year of much faith decisions. It was those moments that everything you hold dear to fail, and you need to make a choice. A or B, B or C. It was fraught with uncertainties.
Some of my friends used to say,” I cannot imagine going through what you went through,” or “it must be really tough right”. And some would say ” Haven’t you thought of giving up?” ” Is it really all that worth it? ” Well, all I can say is, it is truly by God’s grace that I am here today. What you see in me, is because God chose to believe in me, and He had started a good work in me, and I believe that he will bring it to completion.
Things are not usually easy, there are some days which are more depressing than the rest, days when you wake up feeling moody and cranky, but I’ve learnt to praise Him instead. When praises go up, you can’t really stay depressed because God is just so so good.
I’ve failed so many times before in obeying Him, but He remains faithful. He is my Abba Father and He does not judge me. There are challenges in areas of trust, but as God enfolds His plans and purposes, every step gets simpler. Maybe what God wants at times is just ultimate obedience and faith.
This journey, I do not walk alone. God has blessed me with good friends, people who will support me all the way, no matter what I do, they will still be there to encourage me. My parents, my sister, my friends from Acts, my uni mates. I am such a blessed girl.
This year, what I really want is to finish strong. Challenges will come my way, sometimes my world may crumble and fall, but I know I can trust on my Rock of Salvation, He will never fail me. He is able. God is for me, and therefore, I want to be bold and VERY courageous. I will press on to the heavenly goal that Christ set for me. I will run and finish the race.
Goal( Nov 2011 and beyond) : to finish strong. Help me, Lord.
that all things work together for good…
So He asked me if I didn’t get through that paper, would I still serve Him. Tough one, God. Though rather afraid, I answered, “Yes, Lord. I would. “
“Trust me”
“I’m scared, God.”
” I hold your future.”
So, that’s that. He was there, during the examination hall. Sweat trickled down my forehead though the exam hall was literally like a refrigerator. As I wrote, I was filled with perfect peace. Though there were instances which I had to stop as my head was spinning, but I knew in my heart that His presence was there. I walked out of the examination hall, feeling as if I did not write enough.
I think my greatest fear had always been letting down people I love. And my testing had always been in this area. It’s somewhat difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel at times.. but God’s promises always remind me again..
James 1:2-4
New King James Version (NKJV)
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
Tough as it may seem, but I do know that my help comes from the Lord. Things may seem rather unclear at the moment, but in due time I will be who God wants me to be. So, yes. Thank you for helping me pass, Lord. I know that you will not leave me in the valleys. I also know that despite everything that happens, and whatever people around me can throw at me, I can still find comfort in Your presence.
Romans 8:28
New King James Version (NKJV)
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
May Your purpose be revealed in my life. Yes, I will still serve you.
Self-esteem
I was just pondering on how much leaving home had helped me grow. Before I left home, I used to be really scared, and when I say that, I mean that I was afraid of almost everything.
Fear
Uncertainty
Doubt.
I think the deadliest disease in this world is self-doubt. It cripples your life, ruins your destiny and destroys your dreams. And what’s worst is that you never hope anymore. Everything seems somewhat despairing and everything’s depressing.
2009: I had no self-respect for myself and obviously no self worth. It is horrible because I felt so much hatred towards myself and I was unable to stop the feelings from coming. I had this happy mask plastered on my face, everytime someone sees me, they would admire the smile I had, but no one really knew how terrible I felt inside. I hid behind this facade, for as long as I showed that I was okay on the outside, people just walk away, thinking that you are okay.
2010: After attending church for about a year, I’ve listened from the pulpit so often and soon realized that God valued me, and made me perfectly. Hence, I am complete and am always acceptable in His eyes. It was difficult accepting that fact, as I had so much self-hatred that I had the idea imprinted in my mind long enough that it caused me much difficulty in accepting that. It was a painful process readjusting my thoughts and learning how to see myself in a positive light. Relationships around me were difficult to form, only because I didn’t trust anybody and was difficult to believe that someone would genuinely love me for what I see myself is only a broken spirit. It was really scary because I had no confidence that anything would turn out right at all. It took much courage and help from the Lord to truly break free from the spiral of negativity and to trust that He indeed has my whole future crafted. Things got slightly better, but deep inside my heart, my self-worth was still so tiny, in fact smaller than a little seed, that anything at all would crush this fragile spirit.
2011: After much prayer, journaling and reasoning out my thoughts, and of course with the help of my Book of Encouragement, I was finally able to smile genuinely, speak more confidently, and that itself did not come easy. Pastor preached recently regarding Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
I memorized the verse by heart and whenever I feel lousy about myself, I recited it over and over again. I did not fully believe in the verse initially, but as time goes by, I began to see change, sometimes I may forget but the Holy Spirit reminds me often, and helps me to take captive of every negative word. It’s been around 4 months now.. and PTL that my self-esteem has returned. There would still be days of darkness and desperation, but somehow, I am able to learn to view things in a more positive light.
This is a lesson of self-esteem. It can either make you or break you. I have overcome and am so thankful that He did not let me go. I wasted almost a decade in low self-esteem. I know it’s a horrible place to be, and it hurts The Father’s heart. But I’ll have many more decades to come living in victory, only by His mercy. I will not let this disease of self-doubt ever rule my life again. Here’s to a happier me, and a stronger me.
Don’t be so rigid
When I was a kid, my mum used to joke and say,
“Be more flexible”
“Make your life more interesting”
“Changes are inevitable”
I guess I never understood what it meant or how to go about being more “flexible”? It’s alien, really.
My personality is more dominant to Type A, and I was very resistant to change.
Anyway, I just came back from missions last month. Despite learning so much from the entire hike, God clearly wanted me to learn something else. I had to alter plans, come up with spontaneous ideas and basically, just flow with God. I admit that it was hard, really tough.
This season, I guess God is trying to just simply tell me, Let me be God. Just flow with me.
This is what I need to learn. Don’t be so rigid!
New Encounter
I went for a life-transforming camp last week. I can still feel the excitement right up to this very moment. So I went for camp with a million worries as much was to be done before and after camp. Camp was only fun, as God showed up.
The first night was somewhat significant. I felt the presence of God so strongly that I truly knew that He was there. I felt so spoilt by the Lord, I felt like a baby in the master’s arms, reassured and strengthened. The prophesy by pastor was reaffirming. I’m truly glad my God is a God of mercy and grace and He knows where I’m at. He also knows how much I can handle. He never gives me more than I can bear.
The Prophesy
- You have a heart that wants to please God, but you think your best is still not good enough. God said, trust in me, my daughter, I am pleased with you.
- There is a sense of brokenness deep within your heart. People around you may not understand, but God does, and He wants to heal and give you strength. You have a beautiful spirit.
- You have a sense of discouragement that you think no one sees. You are tired, but God’s got your back. He will reveal things to you and grant wholeness to you, Remain in Him. Be encouraged in God. He understands.
I am thankful for God and His word. Truly wouldn’t trade my Daddy God for anything in this world. He is a God who understands, sympathizes with my weakness and encourages me to persevere. Thank you Lord.
As we say goodbye
As we draw to a close, I am grateful for all that made me learn. 2010 has been good and it is just a beginning of greater successes, experiences and new crazy moments.
I thank God for bringing me through this year, though sometimes I may feel like giving up. Sometimes, it is important to continually remind myself that I have a choice whether or not to keep going, and very often, it was God that brought me through, step by step, little by little. He was always there, and guiding me through every single situation. He made me stronger, and I thank Him for His amazing love.
2011 has so much in store for me, and I truly believe that it would be greater and more exciting. There would still be difficult moments, helpless moments, and so many uncertainties, but I choose to lean on Him. My Daddy God, He never fails, and He will always be listening, and I would just be like a little child, running into His arms.
In 2011, I want to be always trusting (not on men of course) in God. I want to be the person that He intended me to be. Being His child is the best thing that has happened to me.
So, 2010 I’ll be saying goodbye in 12 hours. Thanks for the amazing ride. And here’s to a greater 2011.
2011 resolution: Let go and let God.
Teach me how to Speak
I did the most un-Christian thing today. I was in a situation where stress was just getting into me and affecting my emotions.. But that didn’t give me an allowance to be angry or upset.. I raised my voice a little when I was speaking to my coursemates.. That should not have happened..
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
God I pray that you help me speak, words of encouragement, that would build up and not tear down the soul. Please lead me into your way full of righteousness.
10 years
I used to get really emo-ish at this time of the year. This year is slightly different. I woke up today with a bright smile and full of thanksgiving. God has given me a renewed hope in Him and I am really grateful.
It’s the tenth year this year and I’m so amazed even by the number itself. I did what I did for the past nine years, anxiously looking to see whether I’ve grown in any way, spiritually.
This year, I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve learnt a great deal from them. Though there are certain things I’ll never ever get back, but I’ll do better next time. In this past two weeks I’ve shared my story to more than 50 people, and I must say I thank God for giving me a story to tell, a story to inspire, and a testimony to be shared!
It’s indeed a difficult journey, and I definitely do not claim that I know it all, but one thing I know. God is always there, and will always be.
