I was just pondering on how much leaving home had helped me grow. Before I left home, I used to be really scared, and when I say that, I mean that I was afraid of almost everything.
Fear
Uncertainty
Doubt.
I think the deadliest disease in this world is self-doubt. It cripples your life, ruins your destiny and destroys your dreams. And what’s worst is that you never hope anymore. Everything seems somewhat despairing and everything’s depressing.
2009: I had no self-respect for myself and obviously no self worth. It is horrible because I felt so much hatred towards myself and I was unable to stop the feelings from coming. I had this happy mask plastered on my face, everytime someone sees me, they would admire the smile I had, but no one really knew how terrible I felt inside. I hid behind this facade, for as long as I showed that I was okay on the outside, people just walk away, thinking that you are okay.
2010: After attending church for about a year, I’ve listened from the pulpit so often and soon realized that God valued me, and made me perfectly. Hence, I am complete and am always acceptable in His eyes. It was difficult accepting that fact, as I had so much self-hatred that I had the idea imprinted in my mind long enough that it caused me much difficulty in accepting that. It was a painful process readjusting my thoughts and learning how to see myself in a positive light. Relationships around me were difficult to form, only because I didn’t trust anybody and was difficult to believe that someone would genuinely love me for what I see myself is only a broken spirit. It was really scary because I had no confidence that anything would turn out right at all. It took much courage and help from the Lord to truly break free from the spiral of negativity and to trust that He indeed has my whole future crafted. Things got slightly better, but deep inside my heart, my self-worth was still so tiny, in fact smaller than a little seed, that anything at all would crush this fragile spirit.
2011: After much prayer, journaling and reasoning out my thoughts, and of course with the help of my Book of Encouragement, I was finally able to smile genuinely, speak more confidently, and that itself did not come easy. Pastor preached recently regarding Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
I memorized the verse by heart and whenever I feel lousy about myself, I recited it over and over again. I did not fully believe in the verse initially, but as time goes by, I began to see change, sometimes I may forget but the Holy Spirit reminds me often, and helps me to take captive of every negative word. It’s been around 4 months now.. and PTL that my self-esteem has returned. There would still be days of darkness and desperation, but somehow, I am able to learn to view things in a more positive light.
This is a lesson of self-esteem. It can either make you or break you. I have overcome and am so thankful that He did not let me go. I wasted almost a decade in low self-esteem. I know it’s a horrible place to be, and it hurts The Father’s heart. But I’ll have many more decades to come living in victory, only by His mercy. I will not let this disease of self-doubt ever rule my life again. Here’s to a happier me, and a stronger me. 
